A 3-Step Framework To Make Decisions With No Right Answer: self-distancing, values, planning for the worst case.

Transcript

Welcome And The Decision Problem

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Hey guys, and welcome back to another episode of Change Wired Podcast. My name is Angela Shorina. I'm your host. I'm your partner in change, personal and collective transformation, your executive health and high performance coach 360, and just someone who is really passionate about unlocking more of using more of our human potential to create the extraordinary life experience that we want, or get as close to it as possible, creating more positive impact, difference, and great memories in the world. Today, guys, we are talking about decision making. How to make impossible choices and trade-offs. And by impossible, I mean the ones where there is no perfect answer, and there is no perfect choice, and trade-offs are unavoidable, and you can't maximize it all, you can't have it all, and you gotta make a choice. Like how to make those choices and decisions so you actually feel quite happy and fulfilled and satisfied with them. I'm gonna share with you a three-step framework that I've just used a couple of days ago deciding when to go and visit my family. And I'm gonna explain to you in a moment why it's such a complex choice right now for me. I'm gonna share with you again a three-step framework that will help you to make a lot better decisions, a lot more fulfilling and satisfying decisions in the world where there is never enough information, there are too many options and choices, and again, most of the decisions as an adult that you have to make, not black and white, good or bad, but actually quite complex, and they require you to reflect, to figure out again the trade-offs that you're willing to make and the ones that you're unwilling to make, and then move forward,

A Real Travel Dilemma Under Conflict

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not with a perfect answer, but with a better answer. So the situation that I lost, almost lost a night of good sleepover. I was planning my visit to my parents, South Africa to Russia, a long journey on a good day. And right now, you know, there is war between Russia and Ukraine. I'm half Ukrainian, half Russian, and there is war in the Middle East that flying through, well, actually, right now I don't think there is war. There is there are a lot of conflicts that are either happening or about to happen or might happen. And my mind just, you know, couldn't shut up and started doing what our mind tends to do. Started worrying about everything that could go wrong. What if um my routines would completely fall apart? What if I'm not gonna make it? There is war, right? What if my plane gets stuck somewhere in the middle? Or what if I can't come back for whichever reason, right? Uh the flights will be cancelled and the borders, um, I don't know, the airspace will not be open anywhere at all. Then also my work uh is now starting to work, and I'm really loving the momentum, but then traveling that war that far requires a disruption in my routines. Not forever, but for a few days. So like a good week is gonna be, or at least half a week is gonna be all over the place, and then there is time difference, and uh also I kind of love my routines where I am, and uh there are people, friends, people I care about, and there are events and work opportunities, and uh it just feels like it's inconvenient, but then I do want to see my family, right? So, how to make the choice? And I thought to myself for a moment, and I decided to follow my own framework that I teach. Well, not my own framework, but something that I teach to my clients, frameworks of decision making that I borrowed and learned from different methodologies for emotional regulation and decision making, and uh just taking control of our mind better, creating more clarity and making decisions again, not perfect but more aligned with what we want to create in different areas of our of our life. So, what did I do to get to a decision that I was happy with? Again, not perfect decision, but the one that felt, yeah, that is the right decision giving the circumstance.

Step One Self-Distancing For Clarity

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So, the first thing that I did is self-distancing talk. It is a technique used in emotional regulation, and you wanna regulate your emotions uh a little bit and get a little bit further from the situation outside of your head, gain more perspective to make any good decision when you feel or you just feel like you're so close to the decision that emotions almost overwhelm you. It's very hard to logically think through things, and also your mind tends to worry and get anxious a lot more. So, I did what I always advise my clients to do. What would I tell my friend to do? That is a self-distancing technique that forces you to get outside of your own perspective and consider things with a little bit more distance and more logical approach. So, what would I tell my friend to do? Where would I tell my friend to start? I would say make a list of all your worries. You know, there is a saying that I love fear is a mile wide and an inch deep, and what it's actually talking about is that a lot of our worries and fears and anxieties feel so heavy and so disturbing until we actually write them down and see what we are afraid of, what makes us anxious, and see that actually either it's laughable what we are afraid of because it's so unlikely to happen, or we'll see that there is something we can do, and once we start doing that fear, that anxiety goes way, way, way down. One most powerful antidote to anxiety and worries and catastrophizing is to name your fear, your cause of anxiety, and then take action to address that cause, that fear. But we'll talk about action in a moment right now. So I ask myself, what would I advise my friend to do? And I would advise to

Step Two List Fears And Plan

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make a list of all of your worries and then ask a set of questions. How likely is this really? Right? I write down all of my fears about the war, about my work routine disruption, and you know, technology not working, or am I banking breaking because Russia has sanctions right now, and unless you use VPN you can't access a lot of things online. So I listed all of my worries, and then I asked about each of them: how likely is this really to happen? Right? And if it does happen, what would I do? And which of these can I actually control? And what can I do to prevent bad things from happening, or if I can't prevent them, to at least create a situation where when it happens, I'm in a much better position to deal with it without a lot of negative consequences, right? So I listed all the worries, all the fears, all the anxieties, and then I asked these questions like how likely is it to happen? And when it happens, if it happens, what am I gonna do to get back to normality and handling the situation well? And what can I do to prevent those things either from happening or putting myself in a situation when those things happen, I can act on them and address them easier without much damage. So once I went through this protocol, once I went through this process, uh most of the things that I was worried about were either laughable because they are so unlikely to happen based on my experience and history and how things happen in the world, or there was a lot I could do to, even when bad things happen, to prevent damage or irreversible sort of negative consequences. And that really helped. That already made me feel like, oh, you know, it's actually not that much I need to worry about. And most of the things like disruption of my routine, etc., they can be easily addressed. And if anything, you know, while on the plane and at the port and at the airport, I usually end up working more because, well, there is no distraction, nothing else to do, and I just end up working on things and even having calls with clients. So once I again went through the list and addressed everything and put things on my to-do list to do things like go to the bank and make sure that everything works, etc. Once I did all of that, I already was quite calmer. But

The Real Trade-Offs You Must Accept

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then there was a harder part, and the harder part are all about those things that are not irrational fears, not maybes, but things that will genuinely happen, and there will be some disruption to my routines, and the time difference is gonna stay there, and I am gonna be at a distance from you know certain opportunities and people and events and routines that I love so much, and again, people, people, people I care about here. I meant friends, you know, there are people that really care about here, and so it feels like home, it's gonna be hotter, but it's not like I'm leaving and going away for a year, so also not that big of a deal. And but the most important thing here would help me to make the choice about the date, and uh also like the I I guess at the back of my mind there was still an question: is this really a choice you're considering of not going at all? And then I sat down with myself and I looked at my values and I spelled it out for myself, sort of made them clear again. Is not seeing my family an option? No, it's not an option because my family, I care a lot about my family. I miss my parents incredibly and I'm already in pain most of the year because I can't see them currently more often than once a year. So, no, that would that was not an option. So I'm definitely going. And then, yes, I also do care about people here, but again, I'm just going away for a month or so. So that's not gonna be such a big deal. And am I gonna miss some opportunities? Maybe, maybe not. There is nothing that I can say for sure, and thinking about well, what if this happens and this happens? You can be thinking about that forever. I never really come to like any conclusion, or you're gonna be sitting and waiting and in fear that you can miss an opportunity and never actually doing what you want to do. So that was also not an option. Nothing that I can think of that is super urgent, super important, and sitting and waiting just because something might happen, you know, well, I might be waiting for that my whole life. So that is also not an option. I also care about my work and I care about routines, but there is a lot I can do to make the disruptions tiny and less likely to happen. And so once I talk myself through all of my values and doubts and concerns, I realized, um, hey, actually, now is a good time to go. And all the worries and concerns are just maybes that are either can be addressed or outside of my control. And yes, the whole world can collapse while I'm traveling, etc. But you know, that's always an option. So sitting and waiting for perfect conditions is almost a guarantee that you're never gonna do things that you truly want, things that you truly value, and you're just gonna be sitting there and waiting and not moving your life forward. Just take what life is and make the most out of it. So, to sum it up, but before we sum up, uh don't forget, guys, if you can, if you are getting value from this podcast right now and have been getting value for some time now, please do share this podcast episode with at least one other person, and also rate review on any platform where you find this podcast on. That's how we reach more people around the globe, 11,000 plus cities so far, and growing. So please do share rate review, and let's recap the episode. So, whenever

Step Three Decide By Your Values

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you are faced with a what seems like an impossible trade-off or decision or a choice, I recommend doing these three things that are based on the work of some best researchers and scientists and practitioners and experts in the field, in the fields of emotional regulation and decision making, and also things like self-awareness when it comes to, for example, knowing your values and making decisions based on those values, but then first becoming very clear what your values are and maybe in what order. So the first thing is get some distance. You know, that can be done with a self-distancing self-talk, like I did, asking the simple question: what would I advise my friend in this situation to do? And I would say to myself, I would advise Angela to make a list of her worries, anxieties, and concerns and then address one after another, right? So self-distance. You can also self-distance by actually talking to somebody about your decision and hearing them uh mirroring back to you what you're concerned about or what you're worried about. So self-distancing that is number one to make your thinking a little bit more rational. We need to marry emotions and logic and rationality. And with a lot of these choices, there is a lot more irrationality that prevents you from more clear thinking. So self-distance yourself by asking yourself this question: what would I advise my friend to do? Or talking through your worries, anxieties, concerns with somebody else? Number two is you list those choices, those concerns, those worries, and ask yourself a set of questions like how likely each of this to happen, this options, this choice, this concern, this worry, how likely is it that it's gonna happen? And then also you might ask, what's the worst case scenario here? And if this scenario happens, how will I address it? How will I recover? And what can I do to prevent things that are inside of my control? And again, what can I put in place? So if the worst case scenario I'm afraid of happens, so I get back to my feet, to normal. This is a really good set of actions, and then what's outside of your control? Put it in a box, wrap

Recap The Full Three-Step Framework

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it up, and put it away in your imaginary attic in your head because things are outside of our control, they will be outside of our control, and there is always something bad that can happen. Obviously, when it comes to things like wars and different conflicts where there is real danger that you can't control, you wanna just think through the situation. Uh, are you willing to make the trade-off? Are you willing to take this risk and see how big this risk is? And then make your choice. There is not gonna be a right choice, and more often than not, there's never gonna be enough information and data and all the certainty and security, and you still have to make a choice. So, after you go through all of the scenarios, what's possible, how likely it is, what you're gonna do when the worst case scenario happens, how you can do something now to prevent the worst-case scenario from happening. Then the third step is your values, and that is where again the options okay, you walked yourself through, but there is still like, well, I need this, visit my family, you know, I value that, but I also value my work and I also value friendships and relationships here. So, how do I make a choice? Then you think about your values, like if you value family, if you value work, if you value your friends, ask yourself, like, what is the trade-off that I'm willing to make? Am I willing to make a little bit of a trade-off on the work side, but with the right actions, it's actually not gonna be that big deal. Am I willing to not see my friends for a month? Yeah, you know, it's like nobody's gonna die. We're all adults and have our lives, people will not even notice. And visiting my family actually can make a huge difference for them and for myself. So then you reflect on your values and you evaluate what's the like trade-off and what's the damage, and where is it's less and where it's you know more important, and then make a choice based on that, remembering that there is never one perfect and right choice, it's the choice that feels right to you based on your specific value set and what's most important in any given moment. And that is the work, and again, perfect is almost never valuable, but better almost always is. Am I gonna make the perfect choice and know exactly that that was the best possible choice? In most cases, you will never have this guarantee or this knowledge, like what's the perfect choice. In most cases, there is there is none of the perfect choices, there is only a better choice that is more aligned with the situation and your values and this moment and space and time. But this framework, self-distancing, and then looking into all listing all of your worries and anxieties, and worst case scenarios, and dividing them into things you can control, you can't control, addressing what you can control, preventing you know the worst things happening with as much uh action steps as you can, and then letting go of the rest, and then leaning into your values, getting really clear what's important, what's not, what's compromised here, what's not, and to what degree you are willing to make the trade-offs, and then just pick and be totally fine with imperfect choices. So I hope this helps. Again, in our life, where we are bombarded with more and more options, with more and more choices, more than ever, we need to learn how to make complex decisions fast. And that is where having good frameworks used by many experts and based on research in psychology and on our human biases, that is where having those is so very beneficial. Again, not to make a perfect choice, but to make a better choice. I hope this helps.

Share The Show And Coaching Invite

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If you'd like me to walk you through a few decisions like this, please feel free to use the link in the show notes to book your complimentary free executive coaching session with me, Angela Shurina, certified executive coach. What else? That's it for today, guys. Thank you for listening. Tune in tomorrow for another episode on stress management techniques, but the ones that we don't often talk about, and most people don't practice them, and that's why stress management feels like some sort of woo or magic that doesn't even work for most people, right? So stay tuned for that episode if you want to balance, if you want to master your inner game, your internal conversation and emotional weather. If you want to be a master of that and cultivate the internal conversation and the emotional life that makes you feel good in your life, then stay tuned for this episode tomorrow. Come back and till next time, keep growing and keep making better.